"Waiting is worse than knowing. Knowing shreds the heart cleanly that it may begin to heal, waiting shreds the spirit."I read that quote eons ago when I was a teenager, and I have always liked it...until now.
Now, I'm thinking that waiting is not so bad after all. If I don't have an MRI on Monday, and I don't get the test results, and I don't get bad news, then I can stay in my lovely cabin in Denial forever. That doesn't seem so bad.
I'm doing ok. Sometimes I think I can handle this, not denial just a sense of peace. Other times though pain or fear wash over me. These waves can come at unexpected times. Today I woke up and was sitting up in bed, pondering the day when a wave hit me. I sat there with tears streaming down my face when my oldest son walked in unexpectedly. I frantically wiped my tears and hoped he didn't notice. If he did, he didn't mention it. He broke the spell, and I was fine again.
Later, I was a the local high school production of the musical comedy, "Little Shop of Horrors". I always get touched my young people performing, I can't explain it, but that little bit of, "Aw, isn't that awesome how good they are?" somehow morphed into near sobbing. Fortunately I was able to put the kabosh on that quickly. An emotional scene would have been so embarrassing, and I would have missed the rest of the play! Horrors!
That experience reminds me of when I first saw the movie, My Life with Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman. It is about a man, whose wife is pregnant with their first child, and he has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I started sobbing early in the movie and cried all the way through. I missed a good deal of it and I had to watch it again later to figure out what happened. Amazingly, it is one of my all-time favorite movies...though, as you can imagine, I have no plans of watching it again any time soon.