Thursday, August 26, 2010

Searching for Orion

Before I tell you about Orion, I want to share something related...tonight I was bringing my teenage sons home from Boy Scouts and I said, "Boys, look at the moon, isn't it fantastic?  I am so in love with the moon."

Caleb, who is 14, replied, "Mom, long distance relationships never work out."

 I have mentioned before that I love the Orion Constellation. When I see him,  it's like a heavenly big brother or guardian angel or something.  Lately every night when I go outside, I look up and see if Orion is "back" yet.  (The stars have a slightly different rotation than we do, so while Orion never actually leaves, he maybe in our part of the world during the daylight hours.)  I can almost always find the Big Dipper where ever it is and from there I look to where Orion should be.  At least where I think he should be, but so far I haven't seen him.   The crazy thing of this is that I could simply research whewill be "back".  I have the perfect book for that The Stars by H. A. Rey (the Curious George guy)  I don't want to "peek" though, that would be like opening a Christmas present ends the suspense but it spoils the fun.

So while I wait for Orion, I can't help but think of applications to my life.  For example, I believe that healing will happen, but I don't know when.  I can't even "cheat" on that one...and believe me I would if I could!  But like Orion, I believe that healing will come.  I will keep searching for it...working towards it. 

I have asked myself why I love the stars so much.  I think it is because they look like little points of light in the darkness.  That reminds me of some of the wonderful people in my life...they are my points of light in this dark time.  There are also good moments, some tender mercies of the Lord that remind me that  He has not abandoned me.  Even more importantly these tender mercies tell me that even though part of me is angry with the Lord, He is not not angry with me.  

So I will keep searching for Orion, and keep enjoying the other stars, people and tender mercies, until the dawn (healing) comes.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Flowers for Leslie

Have you ever seen someone who is gravely ill, and you can tell that just by looking at them?  

There are things I have wanted to share lately, but I am afraid that my writing will reveal more about me and my current state than I intend.  I fear that you, dear friends, will read it and feel that I am "slipping".  Sort of like Flowers for Algernon.  In case you haven't read it (spoiler alert), in  Flowers for Algernon, the main character is mentally handicapped.  This fact is noteable through the journal he writes. In addition to his style of writing, it is also obvious in the interactions that he has with other people.  Then, he takes a medication that makes him gradually become more intellient...both mentally and emotionally.  His abilities keep increasing until he reaches a genius level.  Sadly though, the medication stops working and slowly the reader sees him decline again until he is back where he started.  Of course, by that time you have grown to love the character and are heartbroken as he begins to decline.

That is my fear about my blogging lately, that you will read and think, "oh no, Leslie..."  I desperately want to reassure you that that is not true, that I am OK, and that I am actually getting stronger.  To be fair and honest somedays it simply doesn't feel that way.  It does feel like I am slipping...intellectually, emotionally, spiritually... 

There is hope though.  I read blogs of other people that have experienced what I am working through, and are farther along the path.  They reassure me that there is hope, that this does get better.  Someday, I hope to hold up that light of hope for someone else.  For now, though, I hope that sharing my struggle will help others who are on this same path to know they are not alone.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Need a hand?

How about something different?  I've been doing some "art therapy".  Nothing official, but I was inspired by something my therapist suggested so I got a book about how to draw, a sketchbook, and a pencil...ta da! Art therapy.

My husband thinks my art is hand-some, and maybe it will help me get a hand-le on my life again.  (Sorry, he is very punny, can you believe I knew that before I married him?)

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father prepare to die!"
I know you are all dying to know what my therapist said about these but he hasn't seen them yet.  He's on vacation.  So if you don't hear from me in a couple weeks, call my husband and see if I have been committed!  Maybe like those famous Rorschach Ink Blots, he will "see" something in my art.