Drawn and Quartered...

My therapist is out of town and that means that I am not doing well.  When he is gone it triggers a certain reaction, which I have come to recognize.  However, recognition is not enough.  You could think of it like this; if you broke your arm, you would recognize that the ensuing pain was due to the injury.  However, knowing that doesn't make the pain go away.  In much the same way, realizing why I have a hard time whenever I can't go to therapy, doesn't help minimize the pain.  Though if I were feeling optomistic, I might theorize that it is a step in that direction.

The cause of the pain is still so acute and tender that I can't write about it yet (sorry if that makes this post a sort of teaser). While I am not ready to talk about the source of the pain, I do want to share something related.  The other day when I was feeling this pain acutely, and having a sort of melt down. 

SIDE BAR: At times like that I have wondered if I was having a 'nervous breakdown'.  That does not seem to be a "real" malady...and just what is meant by patients how use that term I can't pin down and doctors and therapists don't use it at all...or as nearly as I can tell from my google search.  And we all know that google is the be all and end all of research. But I digress.

It was a really, really bad morning.  One of those "forget 'one day at a time', try "one hour at a time" moments.  While I was struggling with this my children reminded me (more than once) that I had promised to take them to the Seattle Aquarium that day.  I could not imagine how I could do that in the state I was in and yet if I didn't how could I explain.  "Sorry, kids but your mother is having a melt down."  Ummm, no.

At times like this I feel "drawn and quartered".  You've heard that phrase, right?  My understanding of this (which was incorrect) has always been that a rope is tied to each of a person's hands and feet the other ends of the ropes to horses, and then the horses are sent running all in different directions.  It's gruesome, I know...sorry.  The actual definition is even worse (too disturbing for me to share here.)  The point is that is how I feel about going to therapy, being a mom, a wife and working full-time, etc.  Sometimes it feels as if I am going to be torn apart. 

Cutting one or all of the ropes is not an option...so what to do?