There's been a power outtage (or something) in the Haunted Mind. There used to be some rooms with light...but I realized yesterday that I am in one of the rooms that used have light and happiness. Sadly it is dark now. Last week I was in another room that used to have light and it is dark too.
I'm one week into three weeks without therapy, and that is part of the problem. There are some other factors as well. The question is not so much how I got here, but how to get the lights back on. That I don't know. Pondering this yesterday, I realized why I love the moon and stars so much...they are small lights in the darkness. Not surprising, I also have a strong attachment to flashlights (one in my purse, one in the van, several in the house...).
The reason it is so hard when my therapist is gone is because it triggers feelings of abandonment. I usually go to therapy twice a week. Two hours where someone listens to me non-judgementally and validates my feelings, and asks wise questions that help me find light. In other words it is a place I feel "safe". (Safe is a difficult concept for me, but it is the best word I can think of at the moment.) When that 'safety zone' is gone, it brings some very old feelings of abandoment to the surface. Imagine what it most be like to be an abused child...your home is not safe. What a terrifying place the world must be for that child! As horrible as you imagine that might be, the reality is even worse. I know because sometimes I am emotionally detached and I THINK about what that must feel like....terrible. And other times, I don't have to think about it because I FEEL it.
Then despite all logic, I project that feeling of abandoment on to my current life and I feel so very alone.
And the darkness settles in...