|photo attribution: aromateashop.com|
Don't you love it when something you've been working on suddenly comes together? You know, a EUREKA, I've got it moment. I had one of those today in therapy. I think it would be boring (even in the skilled hands of a writer such as myself...snicker) to explain the blow by blow conversation. It's a conversation we have had in various mutations on many occasions. So I'll give you the conclusion (tea) and what comes next (tantrum).
I have felt for a while now that I have become very introverted, meaning in my definition: prefering to be alone rather than with people and keeping my thoughts to myself. I used to be very extroverted. I loved people. I loved being with people. And I loved sharing my thoughts and ideas with people.
While I miss being an extrovert, this new hermit life of being introverted is all I can handle right now. I didn't know why until today. The reason....drum roll....is because I am so angry. I know I told you I was over that but I was lying to myself. I don't go around kicking my dog (though the thought does cross my mind at times) or yelling (I'm not a yeller). Still I have this fire simmering all the time, and when there is a trigger then I get a "flash fire" that burns me up inside.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, anger is a difficult emotion for me to understand, to acknowledge, and to overcome. Remember it's like the Dragon in the Cellar, breathing fire, nearly burning down the house, and yet, how do I get it out of there?
Today I told my therapist that I can't blog anymore (something I previously enjoyed) because I am too angry and I am afraid that it will come out in my posts.
"And so?" he asked.
I couldn't believe that he couldn't see how catastrophically terrible that would be. People might be shocked. They might turn away. Worst of all they might feel disappointed in me. . .
He suggested that I ask YOU if you ever feel anger and how do you deal with it. So I'm making the request. Please leave me a comment here, on FB, or send me an e-mail at lesliesillusions @ gmail. (you know the rest). Do you get angry? How do you deal with it?
I have known that I felt angry for awhile. What I didn't realize until my therapist pointed it out is that I don't want to let go of that anger yet. I thought about that and it really resonated with me. I said, "You are right. Dammit, I have a right to be angry." As I said it, I instinctively clenched my fists.
My therapist smiled, "Good. I like that."
I couldn't believe this either. I was expressing anger and he was pleased.
With a bit more pondering, I realized that a big part of the reason I fear anger so much is because of the way I experienced it as a child from an abuser. BUT suddenly it occured to me that "normal people" express anger all the time. They rant about politics, or traffic, or whatever they feel like ranting about.
EUREKA...that is when it all came together. Instead of witholding my anger from you, my readers, in fear that you will shy away...I'm going to express it. Share it. Vent it. Own it.
Dammit I have a right to be angry.
Man that feels good.
I hope my anger won't "scare" you away, but it's a chance I have to take. I'm going to free that dragon from the cellar once and for all. I hope you will stay by me for Tea and Tantrums. (Although I will understand if you don't...)