"Words were useless. At times, they might sound wonderful, but they let you down the moment you really needed them. You could never find the right words, never, and where would you look for them? The heart is as silent as a fish, however much the tongue tries to give it a voice." Cornelia Funk, Inkheart
Though I fancy myself a writer, at times I find words to be useless as well. At the most important times, and for the things closest to our heart words simply fail. For example, often times I tell my husband, "I love you," and while I know he hears the words, I am not altogether certain that he hears what all is in my heart. In spite of the inadequacy of words, I would like to try and share with you what happened to me today.
It's Palm Sunday...on this day Christ entered Jerusalem triumphantly with people laying palm leaves on the ground (this was before red carpets...). Then He went to the temple and cleansed it. He overturned tables! Stop for a moment and imagine what a scene that was. He was angry. We don't often picture him that way, but He had to have been very angry. I find His anger oddly comforting.
For some months I have struggled with the idea that Heavenly Father and Jesus knew what happened to me and yet did not stop it. Many of you reading this have children, can you imagine knowing that someone is hurting your child in such a way and yet allowing it to continue??? My adult mind understood that God cannot simply swoop down and stop the bad guys all the time. (Think about it, our population could diminish very quickly...but seriously, as an adult I do understand.) However, the parts of me that holds the pain and memories of a child...did NOT understand. Not at all.
A few weeks ago, I began to think about the scriptures that talk about God's vengeance on the wicked. Those scriptures that made me cringe before suddenly became very comforting. God did not intervene when the abuse happened, but that does not mean that He is not angry about what occurred. It does not mean that my abuser...or any abuser...will go unpunished. Mercy cannot rob Justice.
Thus began the healing in my heart, my God has not forsaken me. Then today during church I was pondering the words of a hymn, I Stand All Amazed...and I realized...Christ felt alone in the Garden of Gethsemane. He wrestled with pain while his friends slept. Then came the trial and the Crucifixion...Heavenly Father did not rescue Christ from the hands of the evil men. And Christ did not save Himself from them, though it was in His power to do so. When He was on the cross, He cried out, "My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?" He felt alone in His greatest time of need.
And through His pain, I could finally see that while I have felt alone and abandoned,
I was not. I am not.
And thus, Christ was welcomed back into my wounded heart.