The Jaws of Hell

It recently occured to me that of all the things I have talked about on my blog, during this healing journey, one thing I have not really talked about is how it has affected me spiritually.  I have alluded to it a couple times, but never really discusseed it.  I don't know why.  It's not that I was intentionally holding back.  Maybe it is just an unspoken feeling I have that one's relationship with God is a deeply personal thing. 

Yes, that is likely what prevented me.  It's kind of like this....a great piece of advice I received when I got married was: when you are upset with your spouse, don't talk to other people about it.  The rational being that later his awesomeness (as you see it) later makes you inclined to forgive him, but your mother (or friend...), who doesn't see him as quite so adorable is less likely to forgive him.  I guess in that same light, it was hard for me to talk about the difficulty I have been having with God, because I don't want to pass on my frustration to anyone else, and then have them not 'bounce back' when I do.

Fortunately though, my relationship with God was strong before all this healing stuff started, and though the relationship has been rocky, I am mending the wounds.  In fairness, to myself, I must say, that DID has played a big part in the seperation I have felt from God. 

I don't really want to get into that right now, suffice it to say, that some how, some part of me decided that the Spiritual aspect of myself was much too precious and too pure to be subjected to all the filth that was about to come forth.  So the Spiritual One was whisked away to a far, far room of my Haunted Mind.  It took me a long time to understand what had happened and why.  Then to develop some inner co-operation to bring her back.  I know that probably sounds really strange, but rather than thinking of it as strange, I hope you can see that it is actually a testament to the amazing power of the mind. 

Perhaps, I will write more about that another day, but today it feels like a side-trip, so back to my main point.  Even though I haven't really talked about the spiritual aspects of my healing here on the blog, I am writing a book about it.  The book I have wished for to help me, but couldn't find.  Good grief, as I write that it sounds maybe a bit egotistical, but here's hoping you know me better than that.

My intent is to help others navigate this rocky path any way that I can.  That's all.  So, the first chapter of the book is about the spiritual divide that has been part of the process for me and why it happened (aside from DID).  The rest of the book is about healing that divide.  The first chapter is tenatively called, "The Jaws of Hell"  from Doctrine and Covenants section 122...". . .if even the jaws of Hell should gape after thee. . . (paraphrased because I am too impatient to look it up right now). 

As I pondered and later researched "the jaws of Hell", I learned that the phrase has been used at least since medeival times, likely longer.  It was very common in their art.  I just have to show you a picture I found. 



Photo Attribution:  HERE

Isn't this picture great?  I showed it to my daughter, Vienna, but she didn't share my enthusiasm. I don't get it.   And yes, in case you were wondering, this whole blog post IS just so I could share this picture.  I think it is perfect and I am wondering if I can get permission to put it in my book!

So can any of you reading this relate?  If you would like to tell me about your "jaws of Hell" experience (meaning that you felt separated from God due to anger, shame, DID, or another reason).  I would love to hear YOUR story.  As always you can share here, or privately by sending me a PM to lesliesillusions at gmail.

Oh, and have I told you lately...thanks for reading and sharing this journey with me.

Coming Home through Centering Prayer

The other day on the radio, I heard a country song-- STOP-- Side Bar -- my daughter is going through a brief country music phase (let's hope it's brief). So I blame her for my few moments of listening to a country music station. Bleh. Something good did come out of it though.

So, I heard a song about a woman visiting her childhood home. Some strangers now inhabited it, but she talked about the bedroom upstairs in the back where she did homework and learned to play the guitar, and her favorite dog that was buried under the big tree in the backyard. She expressed the need to come "home" because perhaps that would help heal the brokeness that had occured since she had left. I was touched by it. I thought it would be nice if I had a place I could go to, somewhere before I was "broken".

Yes, I still feel broken in so many ways. There is hope though. I had a really great month which included Christmas. Since my oldest son is 18 and looking forward to leaving home this summer, this was our last Christmas "as a family." I am grateful for that reprieve. The drawback, and I suppose in comparison it is a small price to pay, is the disappointment I felt at coming back to the pain. Still it did give me hope in a future where there is less pain and sorrow than this place I'm in now.

While I can't go "home" to some physical place with healing memories, I have found a few things that give me "coming home moments".

The first is contemplative or centering prayer. I'm LDS/Mormon so this has really not been a part of my faith tradition, but I see no conflict with it.  Centering Prayer is a form of meditation with the goal of bringing oneself closer to God. I think of it as the "listening" portion of prayer. It is a mantra-based meditation. I'm really new to it, so likely not the best person to explain it, but I'll try anyway. If it peaks your interest, I'll share a couple resources at the end of this post.

First, I want to clarify, when I say "meditation", I don't mean deep thinking, I mean meditation in the Eastern sense of attemptling to clear your mind of thoughts and be still.  I start with a short "traditional" prayer. Much like the way we begin church meetings with prayer. Then I sit quietly and focus on my breath and repeat with my breaths a "sacred word" that I have chosen. The "sacred word" is whatever you chose. At first I used, Atonement, because I wanted to emphasize being one with God again. Later another idea came to me and I am using that now. I want to keep my new word sacred, something that I only share with God, but you get the idea.

During Centering Prayer you try to keep your mind quiet. As you can imagine, that is difficult to do as thoughts creep in and before you know it, you are in the middle of a "mental paragaph" before you remember that you were meditating and return to focusing on your breath, and your sacred word. That's ok. I heard a story of a woman who went to a retreat for Centering Prayer. After one of the sessions, she approached the leader and expressed her feeling that she had failed because she got distracted about 80 times. He said, "How wonderful, 80 times of returning to God."

Father Thomas Keating who has taught and written books about Contemplative Prayer recommends two sessions a day, 20 minutes each. I have not been able to make that much time in my day yet. And in fact I don't dare. It is hard for me to sit quietly. Quite frankly, I am afraid of the repressed emotions that will use that time to come forward. This is not unique to me, Fr. Keating talks about this sort of thing happening in his seminar "Contemplative Prayer" (available on CDs). My therapist is encouraging of my meditation practice. He says if I can only start with 5 minutes at a time, that is fine. It's a start. And so I do.

So far, I have found it to be amazingly refreshing and soothing. So much so that when I am in public and I start to feel stress or anxiety, I will take a couple deep breaths and repeat the sacred word to myself and it helps. It is powerful, and it is more than relaxation.  I have used relaxation techniques before that were helpful, but didn't affect me in this same way.  It's hard to explain how it works, different people have different ideas about this.  I will just share how I understand it.  I believe that I lived with God before I came to earth, I don't remember it, but my Spirit does.  When I meditate, I believe it is a way to connect with my Spirit, that part of me that remembers God.  It is like reaching towards the Divine within myself and at the same time reaching toward Heavenly Father. 

Another way I have found to come home is another form of meditation called Mindfullness. I feel even less adequate to explain it, except to say that we live much of our lives either thinking about the past, or the future, mindfulness is about being in the moment we are in. And again in a way that is difficult to fully explain, I find it very healing as well. Though I had been introduced to the idea before, my interest really began with a book by Geneen Roth called Women, Food and God. It has really been influential for me.  Another proponent of this form of meditation is Jon Kabat-Zinn. He has a PhD and works with patients, teaching them mindfulness to help with chronic pain and stress reduction.

Women, Food and God is about compulsive eating, and Jon Kabat-Zinn uses it to help people with chronic pain. The Buddists and some Christians (myself included) use it as part of their spiritual practice. And so I wonder, is there any part of our lives meditation doesn't affect in postive ways? My experience so far is no. It is truly a form of coming home and working to heal the brokeness.

Here are some resources if you would like to learn more:

Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth  I love this book.  I found it immensely helpful and healing.

Mormon Matters: The Kingdom of God is Within You--http://mormonmatters.org/2012/12/17/144-145-the-kingdom-of-god-is-within-you-believing-it-trusting-it-accessing-it/   In this podcast Dan Wotherspoon interviews two LDS men who have a meditative practice.  This podcast and Geneen Roth's book both resonated with me, partially because what they talk about is similar to things I have learned/experienced through therapy. 

Contemplative Prayer by Thomas Keating is available on CD (I borrowed it from the library) It is an a recording of a Seminar he gave on the topic.

Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening by Cynthia Bourgeault I am reading this now, I haven't finished, but I am enjoying it so far.

Jon Kabat Zinn-- He has written so many books on Mindfulness it is hard to know where to begin, but he is next on my list of "must reads".





Photo Attribution:  George Hodan again.  I love his work.  See more of it here.

What I will tell my children about the Newtown Massacre

Nat Sakunworarat

My readers, my friends, on this day after tragedy, if I could I would just sit with you and listen and validate your feelings about what has happened.  Since I can’t be there with each of you, I will share my thoughts, and hope that perhaps they will be helpful to someone in need.

Because of my past, I struggle with the concept of “safety”.  I think I stopped believing in that idea long before I stopped believing in Santa.  “No safe places,” is a mantra from long ago and deep within. 

So when I received emails from my school district, with suggestions on how to talk to children about the tragedy, and the first item on the list was “assure the children that schools are safe.”  I balked.  Big time.  How in the world can I tell them, in the light of today’s events, that schools are safe?  I would feel like a hypocrite.  I mentioned to my co-worker what a ridiculous idea I thought that was.  He said the idea is to reassure them and not….here he launched into what is best described as an imitation of Chicken Little.  Only in his version the sky was not falling, but schools were not safe.  All right, point taken, however, I still can’t tell my children schools are safe because I don’t believe in safe places.  So what should I tell them--and myself?

I wish I could tell them God will protect you.  But clearly God does not prevent these kinds of tragedies from happening, so a simple “God will protect” you is not enough.  As an adult, it comforts me to think of Jesus with Mary and Martha after Lazarus died.  Even though he knew that in a moment He would raise Lazarus from the dead, He still felt their pain and wept with them.  I believe He weeps with us now, after today’s events.  That comforts me, but I don’t think that would help the children.  It sure doesn’t feel like enough.  So what then?

Sometimes inspiration comes from the strangest places, and for me it came from a quote being passed around Facebook.  This is from Fred Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.’  

"To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster’, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers—so many caring people in this world.”

Look for the helpers.  Yes! I love that.  In today’s tragedy there were teachers, and police men and swat teams that knew what to do and took action quickly. One of those helpers was a teacher, Kaitlin Roig.  She acted quickly, closing her classroom door and ushering all the children into the class bathroom and blocked the door.  Roig said:

"If they started crying, I would take their face and tell them, 'It's going to be OK,. . .I told the kids I love them and I was so happy they were my students... I said anyone who believed in the power of the prayer, we need to pray and those who don't believe in prayer think happy thoughts."  Article attribution here

In hurricanes, and earthquakes, there are always helpers.  That is something I can feel comfortable telling my children, “God can’t always prevent tragedies, but He will send someone to help.  When bad things happen, look for the helpers.”

One of my favorite books, The Hiding Place, reaffirms this.  Corrie Ten Boom said that she wrote the book to show that “there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still.”  Corrie Ten Boom and her family were Christians living in Holland during Hitler’s reign.  They were part of a sort of underground railroad that helped 100’s of Jewish people escape.  However, they got caught and Corrie, her father and her sister were sent to a concentration camp.  Her sister and father died there.  Still Corrie shares in her book, many times throughout her tragedy where there were little miracles…helpers, if you will.

I can also tell my children that the children who died are in the arms of the Savior now.  They are not afraid anymore.  They are not hurting.  But what can I tell myself about the parents of those children?  I have never lost a child, and I pray I never have to know that pain.  I hope that perhaps those who have can find comfort from God who allowed His only Begotten to suffer and die for us.  Another tragedy that He could not prevent.

I don’t think that I will ever believe in safe places, but I do believe in a God who weeps with us, and sends “helpers”, maybe even angels and miracles to see us through the dark hours.

Photo Attribution: Nat Sakunworarat

Palm Sunday...Triumphal Entry back into my heart...

"Words were useless. At times, they might sound wonderful, but they let you down the moment you really needed them. You could never find the right words, never, and where would you look for them? The heart is as silent as a fish, however much the tongue tries to give it a voice."  Cornelia Funk, Inkheart

Though I fancy myself a writer, at times I find words to be useless as well.  At the most important times, and for the things closest to our heart words simply fail.  For example, often times I tell my husband, "I love you," and while I know he hears the words, I am not altogether certain that he hears what all is in my heart.  In spite of the inadequacy of words, I would like to try and share with you what happened to me today.

It's Palm Sunday...on this day Christ entered Jerusalem triumphantly with people laying palm leaves on the ground (this was before red carpets...).  Then He went to the temple and cleansed it.  He overturned tables!  Stop for a moment and imagine what a scene that was.  He was angry.  We don't often picture him that way, but He had to have been very angry.  I find His anger oddly comforting.

For some months I have struggled with the idea that Heavenly Father and Jesus knew what happened to me and yet did not stop it.  Many of you reading this have children, can you imagine knowing that someone is hurting your child in such a way and yet allowing it to continue???  My adult mind understood that God cannot simply swoop down and stop the bad guys all the time.  (Think about it, our population could diminish very quickly...but seriously, as an adult I do understand.)  However, the parts of me that holds the pain and memories of a child...did NOT understand.  Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I began to think about the scriptures that talk about God's vengeance on the wicked.  Those scriptures that made me cringe before suddenly became very comforting.  God did not intervene when the abuse happened, but that does not mean that He is not angry about what occurred.  It does not mean that my abuser...or any abuser...will go unpunished.  Mercy cannot rob Justice.

Thus began the healing in my heart, my God has not forsaken me.  Then today during church I was pondering the words of a hymn, I Stand All Amazed...and I realized...Christ felt alone in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He wrestled with pain while his friends slept.  Then came the trial and the Crucifixion...Heavenly Father did not rescue Christ from the hands of the evil men.  And Christ did not save Himself from them, though it was in His power to do so.  When He was on the cross, He cried out, "My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?"  He felt alone in His greatest time of need.

And through His pain, I could finally see that while I have felt alone and abandoned,

I was not.  I am not.

And thus, Christ was welcomed back into my wounded heart.

Dealing with Anxiety

On a message board that I frequent (OK, so they are my second family, LOL!) Someone asked about how to overcome anxiety about the crazy world we live in. As I wrote my reply, I thought that this is a topic that many have experienced and wondered about, so I am sharing here as well.

I am practically an expert in anxiety, LOL! I have had a lot of anxiety the past couple of years over health issues, and financial problems, and then I come on the board. . .LOL!

The best thing to do is pray. Really open your heart to Father. There isn't anything you can tell Him that He doesn't already know, so don't be afraid to tell Him.

There was a time I was very fearful about some health issues. Remembering the quote from Joseph Smith that "Where fear is faith cannot dwell." I was embarrassed to go to the Lord with my fear. A good friend counseled me that praying was precisely what I needed to do. The Lord can help us overcome our fears and replace them with faith.

I think one of the weaknesses most of us face is that we think we need to do it alone. We think we have to be more worthy before we ask for help. That is not the Lord's plan. We are denying the opportunity for the Atonement to work in our lives when we try to do it all ourselves.

I believe one of the main reasons we have adversity is to bring us closer to the Lord. But that won't happen if we try to overcome our fears and anxiety by ourselves.

There is peace that will come into your life when you pour your heart out and invite the Lord in. I know this from experience.

Sometimes the peace does not come immediately, but it will come. Sometimes I have gotten frustrated because I want the peace to come immediately. . .while I am praying. Especially if I happen to be praying in the temple. Occasionally, it comes immediately, but usually it comes a little later. . .so be patient.

Ask and ask again until the peace comes. Then remember to thank Him.

You can do this, you are not alone.

Blessings of Giving and Receiving Service

Today my husband was laid off of work. He had this job for a year. He was laid off from the previous job as well. Before that he ran his own business, when that business dwindled we lost our home. Needless to say it has been a difficult couple of years. It would seem reasonable that I would be in a puddle of tears and despair right now. If this had occured a month ago, I would have been. But the Lord has blessed me with understanding.

Just the other day I had a break through...I think I learned what the Lord has been trying to teach me through all of this. When it happened, I could really feel the Spirit again.

It is hard to explain what happened. The first step was admitting to myself, and talking to the Bishop about how I was mad at the Lord. That was a big step. When I did that, I starting feeling the Spirit again, but not as fully as I am accustomed to. Then when I accepted the full "lesson", I began to feel the Spirit in full, if you will.

I'm trying to put all my thoughts about this in order and write it in a way that I hope will help others.

You see, one day when I was angry with the Lord I prayed and asked Him, "Nephi said you would prepare a way. I've paid my tithing and fast offerings. Why aren't you making a way for me to continue to be a stay at home mom?"

The Spirit said, "I have prepared a way. I gave you a very generous Bishop, and the Bishop's storehouse." (Our Bishop had us bring in our medical bills, and the church paid half of them. It was such a blessing and relief. He also encouraged me to continue to stay at home, and not to feel bad about using the Bishop's Storehouse. "If the members don't use it, it goes to the Food Bank, but we would rather give it to the members.")

Still that was not the answer that I wanted. The answer I wanted was for my husband to have a job that would cover the bills.

What I learned (this was a process to learn and accept) is that when we receive service we are giving a service. In order for one to serve, there must be one to be served. Neither one is better than the other, both are necessary. Both have lessons and growth for us.

Accepting service is hard particularly because we have to humble ourselves and accept that we cannot do something by ourselves. We have to admit to ourselves and others that we need help.

And yet learning to accept service is so important, because if we cannot accept service...we cannot accept the Atonement. That was the greatest service ever performed. To truly accept it, we must sincerely humble ourselves.

People think they understand the Atonement, but they really don't. I know because I was one of them for many years...a returned missionary, married in the temple, but I didn't not really understand. NOW I am just beginning to understand.

People think they can accept the Atonement, but I believe if we are not humble enough to accept service from another person we are not fully ready to receive the Atonement. To allow the Lord to cleanse all your secret places, your most embarrassing sins, your weaknesses...that requires some deep humility. That is why serving and being served is so important.

So, if it is the Lord's will that I learn more about being served...so that I can more fully accept the Atonement, then I put myself into His hands.

I now look at needing assistance, any kind of assistance, as a sort of calling. The calling may be long or short, but it is a calling.

The Lord chooses how and when we will serve. For now, He has asked me to serve by being the receiving one. I will do whatever He asks, because I want to be worthy of Him.

Pride, who me???

Pride is a favorite topic of mine, or should I say "overcoming pride" is a favorite topic.

We need to remember that as Pres. Benson said in his classic talk, "Beware of Pride", that pride is not only a sin of those at the top looking down, the poor can be guilty of pride also. He also said that Pride is the universal sin, and that it is so much easier to see in other people than ourselves.

I never thought I was a prideful person, after all I was poor! LOL! Then one day, inspired by a Relief Society Lesson, I asked the Lord, "What lack I yet?"

For the next week, I heard the Spirit whisper too me, "That was a prideful thought". Over and over again. Wow.

You might be surprised to know what one of the thoughts I had that the Spirit proclaimed prideful. I was/am poor. I was driving by a beautiful house much nicer than my own and I thought, "Yes, but do they have their year supply?" I had my year supply. The Spirit told me that was prideful.

It has been three or four years since that experience, and I believe I am much more humble than I used to be, but I still battle the pride issue.

One day, thinking this would be a great philosophical discussion, I asked my husband, "Do you think Pride could be the root of all evil?"

Without hesitation he said, "Yes, of course."

Surprised, I asked him why.

"Because whenever we put our will before Father's that is pride. Thus anytime we sin, pride is the root. Pride will be the last sin we get rid of."

So yes, overcoming pride, and becoming humble is a lifetime pursuit, and one we cannot accomplish on our own, but I can tell you from experience, that when we take the Lord as our guide, it is a wonderful journey.